Place to Be

"When I was younger, younger than before
I never saw the truth hanging from the door
And now Im older see it face to face
And now Im older gotta get up clean the place.

And I was green, greener than the hill
Where the flowers grew and the sun shone still
Now Im darker than the deepest sea
Just hand me down, give me a place to be.

And I was strong, strong in the sun
I thought Id see when day is done
Now Im weaker than the palest blue
Oh, so weak in this need for you."

~ Nick Drake

This is playing as I come here to write, incidentally, now, after the spending of this day. There are a lot of things I need to say, and as I begin, I'm not sure how many of them are going to show up here, but we will see.

Today I am reminded that all things move, and change, always. The connections you forged in your youth will disappear one day. This is simple fact. However, it doesn't mean that everything is lost. It means just what it means: Things change. Things are changing.

There is a strange syndrome in this process. The loss of treasured connections makes one reluctant to create new ones, because the process of loss will one day be renewed, against all hopes. When I was younger, I used to feel like I could take all the heartbreak the world could throw at me, and keep going. Today, I am not so confident, so I avoid the test. The result has been my love in actual has suffered. I am bereft of opportunities to love because I have feared losing opportunities of love (it is always this symmetrical).

Forgive me, I beg. All of you who I have never met, and those I neglect - too often I judge the pain of never knowing or being known by you as being less than the pain of losing you. In the end of this, nothing is gained.

You are the angry, the confused, the abused, the persecuted, and for most of you, I can offer no help at all. I realize this, but it is a hard realization. My own anger about the circumstances that have caused these things for you runs deep, and it is something I must face. I cannot help you all, despite my most passionate wishes.

But no longer can I avoid you because you suffer, perpetually outside my reach. I will miss the moments and people who might be inside my reach if I do that, and however infrequent and small those windows may be, they are worth it. The days when you come to me and tell me you have won, you are in love, you are yourself... for those days there is little I would not give. And for those of you who allow me to give to you in order to achieve these things... I thank you. This is, I feel, my purpose in life, however I may fail to uphold it, day to day.

I do have a need to be with you. Not just in proximity with you, but to be with you. The way you sit quietly, enjoying a card or chess game with a friend. The way lovers drape themselves over the same piece of furniture together on a lazy afternoon, and do nothing but be there simultaneously. I need you in this way. The kind of mutual knowledge that is generated there is the difference between life and survival.

Forgive me these failings which are just forgetting. I will be seeking to be with you, whatever you are, and whatever you perceive me to be. These things aside, I am only one thing: Someone who loves you, with varying degrees of success. I humbly request that if you can, come find me, and be with me. Just be.