Mad Virtue

This world is moving, so fast. It overwhelms the senses. And that experience often reaches the point where the very thing that should make us feel safe, and loved, is exactly what leaves us vulnerable, and terrified: what we share in common as human beings.

A touch of my own prejudice illustrates this problem. Part of me disdains this very writing, simply because it is a commentary on strife, broadcast anonymously into a public sphere. I am merely a drop in fluid motions, and the impossibility of purifying an ocean inspires only a loss for what to do, and ultimately the attempt of nothing.

Or almost nothing. I wouldn't write if I didn't at least have some faith, some belief that some moving, wonderfully shaping truth can be distilled from the effort.

What do we do with sorrow and tribulation? As I sit here now, I remember: To regard it, to think about it, is powerful, though I also understand that this could very well be a luxury for me that others do not have. Perhaps I am brave enough to talk about how I patently do not feel brave. And I am learning, that perhaps encouraging you, even imploring you to be brave, isn't always going to work.

I do so only because I know you deserve to feel that way, much the same as you would for me, I expect (or hope). I have held you, crying, many of you, thinking that that was the moment of fear (and bravery) that you needed to move into more bravery. Perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps you needed more. I am sorry if that was the case.

My fear is always a lack of faith. I see patterns in everything, and some of them can be distressing. My failure to believe in the very possible transformation of those patterns, I think, helps keep them locked where they are.

This is my failure. My pattern.

Please forgive me for it.

I will try to forgive myself.

"When people run in circles, it's a Mad World."

~Mad World, Tears for Fears

"...the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism."

~Desiderata, Max Ehrmann

If you do not say 'I love you', I will never know. And however much it may seem that I already know, or do not need to hear it, I assure you, I do. To a degree which I am often reluctant to admit to, I do. And perhaps it is ridiculous to think for even a minute that I could be above something like that. But I know, I'm not. I need heroes, too.